Top 10 Tips For When *#!? Hits The Fan

Posted on November 10, 2011

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1. Start analysing the decisions you made and come up with reasons why it was the best decision to make at the time.

2. Be ready to accuse someone else. Have a top 3 of other involved persons to point the blame to. Make sure those top 3 people are meek and mild in their manner or you know that you can speak louder and faster than them. You could also conspire with like minded colleagues to gang up on an unsuspecting victim so that you can tag-team in blaming something or someone else.

3. Use the poor management card. Remember you’re just a subordinate, and that in times of pressure, direction is required even on things like how to use a keyboard.

4. If you’re the unfortunate one that has to tell the client that things have gone down the loo, then baffle them with contingency plans, charts and sheer volume of information to distract them from the blame game.

5. Plead ignorance or if you have the courage, insanity, regarding your state at the key moment when things went wrong.

6. If the boss is pointing the finger at you, pull out the minority group discrimination card. If you’re part of a majority group, find some unique interest that you have which can put you in a minority group and use that.

7. If its declared that you’re responsible in a meeting or public arena, faint or cry at the announcement. I personally suggest a cry that conjures up images of a poor helpless old lady.

8. Bring in an infant if you anticipate being blamed. The infant should be less than 18 months old, inexplicably cute and have that nice baby smell. The incessant cooing and ga-ga-ing of your colleagues and management will distract them.

9. Cake. Lots of cake, preferable laced with some relaxant like horse tranquilizer. Have it waiting on your bosses desk before he gets in to the office.

10. Finally, hire Derren Brown or some other expert in hypnotising. Hypnotise your key blamer(s) and make them cluck like a chicken upon your command so when that dreaded blame game meeting occurs, use them like pawns.

If you’re ludicrous enough to follow this advice, then please tell me how it goes!

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Posted in: Fun